Will the Circle Be Broken?

To the Editor:

Will the circle be broken?

I have been asking myself that question since learning that my cousin, Khisa Hhalille Williams, 54, lost her life in Wilson, North Carolina, following what police described as a domestic incident.

Khisa worked in corrections. She had a family, people who loved her and a life that should have continued. Instead, those who loved her are now left trying to understand another senseless loss.

Unfortunately, domestic violence has touched my circle before.

Another cousin, who lived in Kennedy Plaza, died at only 43 years old and was allegedly a victim of domestic violence. One of my best friends — someone I went to high school with and whose wedding I stood in as a bridesmaid — was killed after an argument when she was thrown from the roof of the Red Hook Houses in Brooklyn.

Three women I knew and loved.

Three families left with empty spaces that can never truly be filled.

When domestic violence touches your own family, it stops being a statistic. You understand that the violence doesn’t end when the police arrive, the news cameras leave or the funeral is over. It travels through families and generations.

That is why domestic violence cannot simply be treated as a private matter between two people. We have to talk about prevention — and that means bringing boys and men into the conversation.

Here in the Mohawk Valley, YWCA Mohawk Valley’s AMEND Together program is doing exactly that. AMEND is a primary prevention initiative that engages boys and young men in challenging the culture that supports violence against women and girls while teaching healthy masculinity and respect. The program has local partnerships that include the Rome City School District at Rome Free Academy and Lyndon B. Strough Middle School.

I have seen the value of this work through YWCA educator DuWayne Engram and his work with young men. YWCA has reported that Engram has facilitated AMEND’s curriculum with young men in our community.

Programs like AMEND are invaluable because we cannot place the entire burden of preventing domestic violence on women.

Yes, we must teach girls and women to recognize warning signs and know where to seek help.

But we must also ask ourselves: What are we teaching our boys?

A young man needs to understand that:

• Masculinity does not mean domination.
• Jealousy is not love.
• Control is not affection.
• Intimidation is not strength.
• And anger is an emotion — not an instruction.

Real strength is knowing how to communicate. It is accepting that another person has the right to say no or end a relationship. It is recognizing when anger is taking control and having the maturity to walk away. It is knowing how to express hurt, disappointment, fear and frustration without turning those emotions into violence.

Those lessons should begin long before adulthood.

They belong in our homes, schools, churches, athletic programs, youth organizations and community centers. Fathers, coaches, teachers, mentors and other men have an especially important role in modeling for boys what healthy masculinity looks like.

And men must be willing to challenge other men.

When a friend talks about controlling his girlfriend, say something. When someone treats jealousy as proof of love, challenge it. When a young man believes walking away from an argument makes him weak, teach him that sometimes walking away is one of the strongest things he can do.

Prevention, however, is only part of the answer.

We also need strong services for people experiencing abuse. YWCA Mohawk Valley provides free and confidential domestic and sexual violence crisis services, including emergency shelter, counseling, advocacy, safety planning and housing assistance.

I cannot bring back Khisa.

I cannot bring back my other cousin.

I cannot bring back my high school friend whose wedding day I once celebrated beside her.

But I can speak their names through my advocacy. I can ask our community to recognize that domestic violence belongs to all of us to confront.

Perhaps breaking the cycle starts with one boy learning a different definition of strength.

One young man learning how to walk away.

One friend recognizing the warning signs and speaking up.

One survivor realizing that help is available.

And one community deciding that silence is no longer acceptable.

Will the circle be broken?

In my family and among people I have loved, it already has been.

Now we must do everything we can to keep another family’s circle from being broken.

— Dawn LaGuerre

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic or sexual violence, YWCA Mohawk Valley’s Oneida County crisis hotline is available 24 hours a day. Call or text 315-797-7740. Services are free and confidential.