Dear Miss Manners: I had a fire and lost everything. I rebuilt and am now in my new home. Some things are not finished yet; it will take a while. But friends and family are asking me whether I plan to throw a housewarming party. Do I throw it myself?
My neighbors also are curious about the house. I was thinking of having an open house, where I set a time — say, 1 to 3 p.m. — and offer some finger foods and let everyone come and go.
Some friends said I should register at a few stores in case someone wants to bring a gift. I do not want to look like a bride or anything. But I lost 34 years of possessions, my five cats and a bit of my mind. And insurance doesn’t begin to cover those losses.
What you went through is heartbreaking. It sounds, however, as if you are seeking permission, not advice — permission to treat your friends as supplemental insurance.
If, out of their kindness and feeling for you, they wish to send you any unsolicited presents, you will, of course, respond with an effusive letter of thanks. But the commitment they make as friends is to emotional, not financial, support. And a registry is an announcement that you expect people to buy what you need. (And yes, that goes for brides, too.)
You can throw your housewarming party in whichever form, and at whatever time, you prefer, without any fear that you are putting a burden on the friendship.
Dear Miss Manners: My son’s best friend is rude. Today he told our daughter, “Shut up, no one wants to hear your singing” when she was humming in OUR playroom. He regularly contradicts me in normal conversation, and when getting picked up after his last visit, the child said something rude to his father.
We want our son to have friends, and we want those friends to be welcome in our house, but rude language is not acceptable.
What is an appropriate approach to his boorish behavior? I simply cannot allow him to be unkind to our daughter while he is in our house.
Nor should you. The distinction to be made is that while the friend is in your house, he is expected to abide by your rules — which include treating one another with respect.
Miss Manners trusts that you know how to convey this to young Liam, since you are rearing two children of your own. But remember that you have met the fruit, and the tree is likely nearby: A father who accepts a rude comment from his son without comment is capable of complaining about supposed maltreatment by you toward said son.
Should that occur, your response will be that your family adores it when Liam comes over to play and that you were only intervening because the rules at your house are different from those to which he must be accustomed. And you will, of course, remind Ethan that when he visits Liam, he must respect the rules of Liam’s house.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
2020, by Judith Martin
